According to a study conducted at the University of São Paulo, since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic, there has been a meteoric increase in the experience of the feeling of social pain. What is social pain? Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, defines social pain as a broad, atypical description of painful emotions caused by situations involving other people. Such feelings can be: feelings of rejection, loneliness and isolation, feelings of being devalued, abandonment or disconnection.
“Usually, we think that ‘pain’ is caused by physical events – breaking an arm, stepping on broken glass, etc. – but interpersonal events can hurt just as much as physical experiences,” said Dr. Leary. These phenomena can include painful feelings of sadness, for example when a loved one dies or when a love relationship ends.
“The function of social pain is basically the same as physical pain – to alert us to situations that threaten our social well-being (just as physical pain indicates threats to physical well-being) and to prevent us from doing things that undermine our social safety (just as fear of pain motivates us to take precautions [for] our physical safety),” said Dr. Leary.
While feelings of social pain can feel unbearable, the following practices can help you cope with them.
1. Know that your pain is real
Experiencing feelings of social pain is an integral part of being human, and while the feelings themselves may be experienced as unpleasant, they do not suggest that there is anything wrong with you, says Dr. Leary. What they show is that your connections are not what you would like them to be right now. “Keep in mind also that part of the problem lies in our individualistic, fragmented, modern society. For millions of years, our ancestors lived in tight groups of 30 to 50 other people, so feelings of social isolation were rare. Today, we live rather socially disconnected lives, so feelings of social distress are more likely,” said Deborah Serani, a professor at Adelphi University.
2. Try to manage your thoughts
Next to the pure fact of the lack of social connections, it is the thought of loss that increases the suffering. “Imagine a person with great social pain who momentarily forgets the social conditions that caused his pain. The negative emotions will evaporate,” said Dr. Leary. Minimizing how often you think about your social situation can help you. “This is difficult, of course, (…) but distraction is sometimes a perfectly acceptable coping strategy,” he added.
3. Feed your senses
Social pain, as well as physical pain, responds well to sensory experiences, says Dr. Serani. “So, make sure you rest whenever you can, move your body, look at beautiful, colourful things, listen to music, have a cuddle with a loved one [you live with] or take a warm bath, enjoy a cup of tea, smell the fresh air, or a soothing fragrance to restore your mind, body and soul,” she said.
