Fear of abandonment is a complex psychological phenomenon that is usually rooted in a loss or trauma in childhood. Theories behind fear of abandonment include impairments in the normal development of young children’s social and intellectual abilities, past relationships, life experiences and exposure to certain patterns and ideas.
Signs of fear of abandonment
Millions of people face the fear of abandonment. In fact, about 10% of the population has some form of this phobia. In terms of relationships, fear of abandonment leads to a variety of behaviours, such as:
- You never say “ no ” for fear that they will abandon you
- You do not express the “ I want “, your opinion and your real needs
- Always put others first
- You accept everything from others (especially abusive behaviour)
- You associate over and over again with people you know are toxic to you
Also:
- You are quick to bond with others, even unavailable partners or relationships.
- You are reluctant to commit fully and create long-term relationships.
- You may move quickly into new relationships to ensure that you don’t get stuck.
- You want to please others. For some women, studies have shown that a large percentage are willing to have sex without wanting it.
- You stay in relationships even if they are destructive.
- It’s hard to stay happy and you’re being pedantic.
- Emotional intimacy is difficult for you.
- You feel insecure and that you don’t deserve love.
- You find it difficult to trust people.
- It is not strange for you to be jealous of everyone you meet.
- You feel separation anxiety intensely.
- Feelings of anxiety and depression are common for you.
- You tend to over-analyze things and look for the hidden meanings behind everything.
- You are sensitive to criticism and comments.
- You have repressed anger within you and are experiencing issues of controlling it.
- Too often you blame yourself for what happens.
Strategies for managing fear of abandonment
If your fear is mild and controlled, you may be able to manage the situation if you understand the roots of your fear and learn new skills. For most people, the fear of abandonment is rooted in issues that are difficult to solve alone.
Although facing fear is very important in itself, it is also essential to feel that you belong. Rather than channeling all your energy into one partner, it may be more helpful for you to focus on building a network. No one can solve all our problems or meet all our needs. But a stable group of close friends can play an important role in our lives.
Whatever stage of life you are in, it is important to have people around you. Make a list of activities you like, your talents and your dreams. Find people with the same interests. It’s true that when you share common interests and dreams with a mutual friend this is a great step in building a solid support network. When you follow your passion, it helps to boost your confidence and the belief that you are strong enough to handle whatever life brings your way.
A psychotherapist can help you to radically address your fear and boost your self-confidence, which is necessary if you are to change the way you think and behave. Many people with a fear of abandonment feel that they do not belong. For whatever reason, this makes you feel ʺknowingʺ of those around you. But the good news is that it’s never too late to change this, with the help of psychotherapy.
